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TV TIME: When TV Characters Go on TV

Before there were hundreds of channels and thousands of reality programs filling them, it was kind of a big deal to be on television. Sure, there were plenty of opportunities for starry-eyed amateurs to appear on the small screen, but it was still enough of a special experience that those who made TV shows could create fun stories by putting their characters on programs in their own fictional universes. How do our favorite characters respond to opportunities to be on the tube? Let's look at some of my favorite examples.

The Honeymooners, 'Better Living Through TV': Ralph Kramden has access to a warehouse full of 'Handy Housewife Helpers,' gadgets that revolutionize housework by doing multiple tasks in less time and without the use of extra tools. Well, at least that's what he is told, so he convinces Ed Norton to help buy up the product and sell it at a profit by doing a television commercial. Norton will play the Chef of the Past who struggles though routine kitchen chores while Ralph will swoop in as the Chef of the Future and show how much easier it can be. Yep, two men who are lost if their wives aren't home to cook them dinner are going to pitch a product called 'Handy Housewife Helper.'

They buy time during a Charlie Chan movie, but once it's time to do the live ad, Ralph freezes, stammering with stage fright and forcing a stage director to shove him on camera. Even Number One Son could see this is going to be a disaster, and Ed struggles to lead Ralph through their script ('Can it core an apple?' 'Oh, it can core an apple.') before one of the great unplanned moments in Honeymooners history occurs when Ralph, lumbering around the TV kitchen set in pain after a mishap with the Helper, knocks over a wall, making confused viewers wonder if they tuned in to a Godzilla movie instead of a Chan flick.

Ralph and Ed's fiasco of a demonstration may not sell many Helpers, but it's a lot more entertaining than the typical mid-1950s commercial break. I do wonder just how much time they purchased from the station. If Ralph hadn't destroyed the set, their ad might have run longer than the movie. Norton actually performs well on television, but the humiliated Ralph must endure the pain of seeing the venture join other failed schemes Alice rattled off earlier: the uranium mine in Asbury Park, glow-in-the-dark wallpaper, and no-cal pizza (Wait, that last one sounds like a good idea).

Dragnet 'Public Affairs DR-07': You might think Joe Friday and Bill Gannon yakking it up on a talk show sounds duller than pursuing bad guys, but this is one of the most entertaining color Dragnets. The Public Affairs Division gives the boys the assignment of going on Speak Your Mind, hosted by the snide Chuck Bligh (played by Anthony Eisley), to discuss 'The Police: Who Needs Them?' before a rowdy studio audience. I don't know about you, but I will be disappointed if this doesn't end up in a chair-throwing melee.

The fact that nobody in the LAPD thinks to give two detectives a modicum of media training, or even just more than five minutes advance notice, before going on Speak Your Mind makes me worry about the overall strategic vision of the department. Joe and Bill are superb representatives, though, defending the role of the police before Bligh and the 'other side' of the panel: a sarcastic underground newspaper publisher (Howard Hesseman, billed as 'Don Sturdy') and a pompous professor, both of whom think the fuzz are fascists. Star/producer Jack Webb stacks the deck in presenting this 'debate,' but some of the pro-police perspectives he presents through his character may surprise you.

The highlight of the episode is the audience Q&A, as most participants aggressively challenge the cops on topics such as drug legalization, treatment of minorities, and gun laws. I get a nice chuckle when an earnest woman stands up to declare she's 'all for the police department,' and Bligh asks, 'And how long has your husband been on the force, ma'am?' Through it all, Friday and Gannon keep their cool, turning a hostile environment into a thoughtful civic forum by presenting a clear-headed, rational discussion. I'm sure the producers of Speak Your Mind will never have them on again.

Hazel, 'All Mixed Up': One of Mr. Griffin's business associates (and therefore one of Mr. Baxter's associates) seek a spokeswoman for Aunt Nora's Instant Cake Mix. He doesn't want any glamour girls, mind you, but someone 'homespun, honest, sensible, and a good cook.' Can you guess who he thinks will be perfect? Hint: It ain't Lucy Ricardo.

Our own Hazel Burke takes the role after Mr. B. encourages her, and she's clearly delighted to play Aunt Nora in the television commercials. The gig is supposed to be limited to her days off, but it consumes more and more of her time. She keeps Mr. Griffin waiting for dinner and lets the beef stroganoff burn (the horror...the horror...) as the company sends over script changes because of an emergency: they're introducing a new chocolate marshmallow pie mix. Ah, yes, what Baby Boomer doesn't remember Cronkite breaking into regular programming to announce the new pie mixes hitting shelves?

The situation at the Baxter household deteriorates. Hazel is doing a photo shoot when Mr. B. barges in to remind her that she has to...well, straighten up his den. Plus there is 'some work to be done upstairs' and 'a lot of other things.' Even Mrs. B. is frustrated, she tells George while he's hard at work reading the newspaper. Laundry is piling up, the ironing is undone, and nobody's played with little Harold. Mrs. Baxter, of course, can't do any of this because she's busy doing...well, she's busy complaining to George!

Unfortunately, Hazel can't escape because she signed, as George calls it, 'an ironclad contract' for three years. That's right, Mr. B., a practicing business attorney, urged his maid to take this job because it would help his client, but he didn't bother to take a cursory glance at the documents. Perhaps George Baxter isn't the brilliant legal mind we thought he was.

Finally a blustery Mr. Griffin, tired of settling for cold cuts on his regular self-invited dinner appearances, buys the cake mix company and fires Hazel as spokesperson. The Scrooge McDuck-like solution makes everyone a winner. Hazel leaves television and returns to doing the Baxters' busy work and serving multiple helpings of hashed brown potatoes for Mr. Griffin's breakfast. Well, almost everyone is a winner.

The Flintstones, 'In the Dough': Wilma and Betty enter a 0,000 recipe contest on a cooking show sponsored by the Tasty Pastry Company. They tune in and discover their Flint Rubble Double Bubble Cake recipe only gets them to the finals; they must still prepare the cake and beat the other contestants in a taste test to win the money.

Right before the show, the girls catch the measles. The natural reaction is for Fred and Barney to show concern for their wives and disappointment at missing out on the prize. But Fred's reaction is to 'drag' Barney to the TV studio so they can impersonate Wilma and Betty and make the cake themselves.

There's an amusing bit when a Tasty Pastry executive appears on the show begging for people to buy his cake mix. I'd be a lot more inclined to sit through those disappointing Super Bowl ads if everyone did this. I won't reveal the outcome of the contest, but it does relate to the sponsor's product. As for the boys' attempts to impersonate their better halves, let's just say it's a good thing high-definition television wasn't around in the Stone Age. These guys make Milton Berle look like Marilyn Monroe.


Leave it to Beaver,'Beaver on TV': Panel discussion show, Teenage Forum, invites Beaver Cleaver to participate, and everyone is excited. The Beav talks up the event to his classmates and his teacher, who gives him permission to leave school to attend. Ward takes a break from work to watch, and even Wally gets to depart school early to come home and see his younger brother.

Unfortunately, nobody sees Beaver. Why? Right before the show begins, a stage director announces that starting today, the show will no longer air live, but will be taped for broadcast next week. The Beav happens to be getting a drink of water, so when he comes back on set, he has no idea all of Mayfield is watching a taped episode.

Is Teenage Forum the most amateurish production of all time or what? First off, it's pretty shoddy business to assemble your cast, then tell everyone minutes before cameras roll, 'Oh, by the way, we're not going out live like we have done every other week of our existence.' More significantly, why would you produce a show aimed at teenagers, starring teenagers, and featuring topics of interest to teenagers (Example on Beaver's show: 'Should teens get their own telephones?') and show it during school? It's not like Dick Clark pitched American Bandstand with the idea that, 'We'll put it on at 1:00 in the afternoon so when all the kids get home, their moms can tell them what they missed.'

Beaver eventually convinces everyone at school he didn't fabricate anything, so the next week they all tune in and see Theodore name-check half the class and butter up his teacher before the host cuts him off. Isn't Eddie Haskell supposed to do that kind of thing? The shameless pandering makes Beaver a hero in his class, but I think they'd all be better off ignoring those pikers at Teenage Forum and sticking with Hopalong Cassidy reruns.

The Jetsons, 'Elroy's TV Show': At Asteroid TV Productions, tension is high because 'the agency' is demanding a new show. The staff writers have the gall to produce educational shows, and angry exec Mr. Transistor tells them they've made kids too smart to watch television! He finds a solution when he discovers Elroy and Astro and decides to build a show around them called The Adventures of Spaceboy Zoom and His Dog Astro; brainstorms like that are why he's running Asteroid TV Productions, folks.

Everyone goes crazy. Jane gets starstruck, Judy gets jealous, and Mr. Spacely's battle axe wife commands him to get their son, Arthur, on TV. Worst of all is George, who tags along for a shoot on Jupiter -- I love shows that use location shooting -- and becomes insufferable. Transistor can't bear to have a stage dad hanging around making script suggestions, butting into the shots, and generally meddling with everything. That's what executives are for. The most sensible reaction to Elroy's new role comes from Astro: Every time he sees Mr. Transistor, he bites him.

Everyone on The Jetsons is affected negatively by Elroy's new television job, but perhaps the true piece of wisdom comes when Spacely finds himself being pummeled by a giant robot as George urges him to quit because it's getting too rough. Spacely looks at him and says, 'What, and give up showbiz?'

The Andy Griffith Show, 'Howard the Comedian': The night after a raucous lodge meeting, Floyd, Goober, and Andy are still laughing at Howard's performance as master of ceremonies. He brought the house down with his jokes, and there's already talk that Howard is sought for the annual Hi-Jinks at the Elks!

Later, the Taylors watch Colonel Tim's Talent Time, a statewide competition program that, the colonel tells us, launched the careers of Ozzie Snake, Rosa May Johnson, and Jughead Peters and His Aristocrats. (If anyone has any footage of that last act, please let me know.) Andy decides to tell Howard about the show. As Opie marvels at the thought of someone from Mayberry appearing on TV, Andy chuckles and says, 'Might put us on the map, huh?'

Talking with Opie, Howard tests some one-liners from a hardback titled Jokes for All Occasions. When a potential zinger falls flat, Howard decides to just do what everyone else does and steal all of Steve Allen's material. No, actually he takes the book's jokes and makes them personal--by making fun of his close personal friends.

Andy takes Howard to Raleigh for the Talent Time broadcast, and the gang gathers in the Taylor living room to watch. Clara takes instant offense when Sprague's first joke refers to how small Mayberry is. When Floyd tells you to lighten up, you may need to reevaluate your life. Of course, Howard 'Dice' Sprague soon pokes fun at the barber, and then Floyd's mood changes. Goober is also stung by a punch line, and when the routine turns to the ladies, Bee and Clara literally rise out of their chairs in outrage, apparently not understanding the concept of comedy.

Andy recognizes the jokes for what they are, but the next day, the rest of the town gives Howard a brutal collective cold shoulder. The only thing that changes the mood is when everyone realizes how popular they are now that they were mentioned on television. Suddenly they see things differently, and even Clara is suggesting jokes for his next appearance.

In the closing tag scene, Opie asks his pa to explain what happened. Andy struggles to explain ego and pride before giving up. He doesn't want to come out and say what I will: They're all a bunch of self-absorbed hypocrites who go from resenting their friend for telling a few quips to practically wanting to bankroll a national tour for him when they discover they're getting such publicity.

Being on television doesn't change Howard, but it sure does change Mayberry; as our look at various classic episodes proves, not only can being on television change someone, being talked about on television can, too. That's why I'll stick to writing about it -- that is, unless Speak Your Mind calls asking for someone to discuss 'Reality Shows: Who Needs Them?'

Rick Brooks is the proprietor of Cultureshark, a blog in which he uses an often irreverent approach to express his reverence for the classics and the un-classics.