Ouch. I can usually find something worthwhile in every movie, but other than the fact that Lilli Palmer is very attractive, I have nothing good to say about THIS turkey time-waster, a British film (The Door with Seven Locks) made by Pathé, based on an Edgar Wallace book (as all British films were, by law, in those days), and released in this country by Monogram (whom else?). I found it listed as a 'horror' film but that's only because there are categories for horror films, thrillers, and mysteries, but no real movie category for 'boring mess that you won't care about.' Lilli (who spoke German, French, and English, but none of it well, she talks as if she's trying to get all three accents in at once) gets a mysterious envelope with a key in it; turns out she the heiress to a fortune locked in a dead man's vault behind a door with seven scattered keys to prevent anyone from stealing the treasure, only of course somebody's killing people to gather all the keys up in what sounds like a much better board game than it made a movie. There isn't a single scene in this picture that's well done, interesting, or even amusing. Leslie Banks revives his character from The Most Dangerous Game to play the head villain (or so we think); Norman Lee directed it, and I don't know who that is; Romilly Lunge is the handsome but dull hero, and I guess, unlike Hollywood, in England they didn't give you a new name when your birth name was silly. Gina Malo has the only good role, the wisecracking aunt of the heiress, who gets a nude scene in a bathtub, too, as Pathé apparently decided to exploit the new 'Adults Only' rating the British censor instituted. Million-dollar Dialog, after Dr. Zaroff's pet monkey rescues our good guys, who'd been locked in a tomb: Lilli: 'Your monkey saved us! He is very clever.' Zaroff: 'But he has his stupid moments.' Million-dollar Dialog that Sounds like it Came From a Richard Simmons Tape: Handsome but dull hero to his boss, a Scotland Yard inspector: You're plain lazy because you're too fat, and you're too fat because you're plain lazy. It's a vicious circle.' Zaroff has a torture chamber with the coolest Iron Maiden you've ever seen and THERE. I DID find something nice to say about the film. And now, a moment of silence. Monogram Pictures, after its success with its import of The Human Monster the previous year, imported THIS stinker from the same production company (John Argyle Productions, whose motto should've been, 'If it's an Argyle Picture, It Socks'), and paired it as a double feature with The Ape starring Boris Karloff. Yep, you read that right. The Ape and Chamber of Horrors, no doubt advertised by Monogram as 'The Greatest Thrill Show in the History of Motion Pictures, You Bet You!' Can you IMAGINE the unmitigated CHAGRIN of the poor families that blundered into THIS double-feature? I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?!? There must've been some poor family somewhere, maybe going to the movies was a BIG deal for them, things were tight and their families back in the Old Country were being persecuted and it was a strain on the budget to afford a few dimes to go to the Bijou but once or maybe twice a month they went, skipping a meal perhaps so they could afford it, and maybe the wife - we'll call her Thelma - liked Edgar Wallace novels, or maybe the husband - we'll call him Sid - heard from one of the boys down at the lumberyard that this was a 'swell spook show!' and so they dressed up in their fineries, threadbare and worn as they were, and maybe stopped for a cup of coffee and a couple of sinkers on their way, and took in this double feature and never, ever went to a movie again. Sid was killed in the war and Thel married his brother Irving, 4-F on account of flat feet, who beat her. She died in 1967. Dang, now I'm all depressed. Films like this will do that to you, won't they?